Those dreadful years everyone wishes I could take back!
It was a time of change… That may be an understatement as I am talking about those dreadful teen years! Change of school, change of classmates, and let us not forget the inner changes going on. My body was also going through a change of its own. Boys were turning into men and we girls were figuring out what how we would handle them! But that’s really a whole other story… isn’t it?
I am prepared to write about these years and reveal the truth about them best I can anyway. I should probably mention this time was also set in the late 70’s. Some of you may remember… while others may have heard about those good ole days. What was left of the hippie era was now considered freaks and I certainly wore that title with pride. My Mom on the other hand… not so happy! Then again, she was never happy. To this day, I don't think she has ever had a moment of blissful happiness. Sure there's been some good days, but I swear she has no idea how to just have FUN!
I use to love going to school…even though I hardly ever saw the inside of it! School was my escape from all her insanity and escape is what I did. I wanted to escape from all the drama and just have FUN! I didn't think much about school and only attended the classes I needed to be at. Like for a test or to turn in some assignment. I had a system which classes I could cut with the least harm done. My friends and I spent most of our time hanging outside the hot dog stand across the street. We wore our hair long, our jeans faded and any t shirt will do… usually the first one you saw is what you wore. We did smoke a little pot and occasionally held a few other experiments but still, we hardly ever caused a problem. In reference to police we used the term pigs and those “pigs” really seemed to like us best! I guess because we were the more peaceful ones. We were always smiling & waving hello to everyone that passed us and laughter seemed to be front center to everything we did. We stayed out all night, went to concerts, found the woods to be a safe hideout and there was always a party to attend! Sometimes I would disappear for weeks! That really sounds delinquent, but honestly, we were very civil and even respected our elders most of the time. Was the world just friendlier back then or was it just my perception? I wouldn't dare do any of that in todays world and I would be a complete head case if my kid did all that! I think I just got lucky to have survived myself and the world was a better place back then. There were no gangs. We didn't need to have guns or security or even sex for that matter. The laughter always stemmed from all of us just being together. Ah… How I miss those carefree days of being surrounded with friends!
Most of us even *graduated * while sadly, a few did take the party too far and never even saw their 30th birthday. On the other hand… the majority of us are alive and well. We recently celebrated our 30 year reunion and I am pleased to report all my old pals looked great and are living successful lives. So by now you may be wondering “What was so terrible?” and my response would be nothing. Nothing for me… but, what about my poor mother? No one ever said motherhood would be easy… it is my belief that not everyone should have kids. I wish she had thought about that instead of rushing into it the way she did. Married with children by the age of sixteen! Sorry, but I was a cute, smart, fun, popular girl and she did everything in her power to try and change me. Why would I want to change? Are you crazy? She wanted a mini version of herself, only better. A Saint, in other words. That just wasn't going to happen… the gloves came off and nobody won the battle. We just constantly battled!
I understand that she had her own changes going on in her own little world. Single parent raising three teenage kids and head of household to a 100 year old house. Even though my father was always there for us kids and payed her child support on time every week, she chose to be a martyr. She did it all! She worked hard to to support all of us, did all the house repairs herself, gardening, sewing, remodeling and yet, she always managed to look fabulous everyday. I mean really beautiful! That was important thing to her and I was proud about the fact that she did 'look' very nice. My fear in writing this is that it saddens me to admit that I could be so insensitive to someone who loved me the best she could. I don't think she knew how to love. Maybe no one ever showed her? Still, she was always looking out for me and claimed she wanted the best for me, though her approach was less than kind. When it came to "tough love" she put the emphasis on 'tough' and perhaps ignored the 'love' part of the equation all together. I never felt she loved me so in return, I treated her less than dirt too! Really pains me to say that, but it’s the truth. My perception of her back then was the enemy. She was always searching for me when I didn’t want to be found. She said “NO” to just about everything I wanted to do and did her best to keep me grounded. If she had her way I would never leave my room unless to go to school… the inside of school where you get a real education. That would have been nice… if I wasn't so stressed out all the time! I often wonder how my life may have been if I had listened to her? Honestly, I can't even imagine. Besides, life just doesn’t work that way. You can’t go back and redo anything. Best to stay in the present and focus on what you can do and simply make it better! Everyday we are gifted with so many opportunities to improve our lives. We only need to stay alert and pay attention to them.
Throughout all our struggles we are close, we do love each other and are more alike than I care to admit. Probably why I didn't have children. Just kidding… Still, I am extremely grateful for her love, support, kindness and beauty. She has learned to let go a little and now shows that softer, more gentle side from time to time. At the age of 77 she remains the image of perfect health and continues to grow stronger each day. I know a lot of this has to do with the fact that she discovered the Silva Method back when I was a child. I wish she had continued with those courses. I know that the few years that she did join the Siiva Method is what saved us all! Healthy mind, body and spirit were a constant goal for her and she let nothing stand in her way of achieving it. Even my emotional outburst and temper tantrums. And believe me… my brother was no picnic either! She was able to just carry on and live her best life. I’m so proud of all that she accomplished. With no formal education of any kind she went from factory worker to partnership of her own business which did very well. So well in fact that her little company became a huge corporation! Then she was able to sell her stock and retire. She still works because she likes working… Most martyrs do!
As for me, I still have a hard time keeping myself grounded and still searching for that perfect world. Thankfully, I have my own forms of self help and I am making progress. I stopped blaming her for my mistakes and I choose to be accountable for them instead. I am now taking charge of my life and creating it the way I want! Thanks to The Secret of Deliberate Creation I have found my own path and can make changes that stay with me. Making the transformation from restaurant manager to actress/ writer hasn’t been easy, but it is worth while and gets a little easier each day. I’m getting more roles, but the pay is little to none. I also registered to go back to school in January and get a real education. Funny, I find school fascinating now… So much I want to learn and so many classes to choose from! I now know you can hold onto your dream without losing yourself. Thanks Dr. Robert Anthony!
If you or someone you know is having difficulties with life and or children, I highly suggest you visit the Silva Method and learn more…
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